If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
