Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
