i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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