ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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