remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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