she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
