Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
