the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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