I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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