I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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