I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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