Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She made me pour olive oil on her.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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