Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
