I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
