2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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