He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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