First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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