well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize