At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
