I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
