Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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