I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
