So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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