phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize