I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
