Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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