i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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