We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
