dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
