So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
