You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
