Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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