I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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