dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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