I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
