I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
