Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
