Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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