Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
