best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
