I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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