so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
