I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
