My nipple is on Facebook.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
