My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
