I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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