If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
