There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
