dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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