May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
