You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
