I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
