my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
