my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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