i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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