So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
