I'm jealous of your bromance
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
