winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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