Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
