somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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