so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
