ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
