mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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