apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I think your dad took our porno
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
